We know what you’re thinking, how on earth can you two assholes have any problems traveling around the world, jobless…

Well, we do. Maybe it’s not 99 problems per se, but I have 99 mosquito bites. Ok, that’s a lie too. It’s more like 10 mosquito bites. Moving on.

Thailand. Everybody’s doing it, right? We had a super short flight from Cambodia and arrived in the country of temples, tuk tuks, and recreational drug-use (which don’t worry, grandma, we totally didn’t partake in that stuff).

Instead of just spending 1 night in Bangkok, we opted for 4. And truth be told, it was a lot better than we expected. Maybe the last 4-ish months in Southeast Asia have increased our tolerance for a bit of chaos and congestion. Because Bangkok didn’t seem busy/crowded at all.

We found a cute place to stay outside the clusterfuck of hostels. Hansa House was cheap, quiet, and mirrored what I want in our future, hypothetical home (minus the super thin doors and semi-loud neighbors).

We used our little-house-that-could as a jumping point for exploring the city. Our first day was on the weekend and our host said we must visit the floating market outside of the city. Which was cool and all, but a little less floating and a lot more just markets on piers with a few people selling veggies from boats. Such a (bang)kok tease.

For a whole $3 we took a longtail boat tour of the canals surrounding the “floating” market.

We stopped at a gorgeous wat that seemed to appear out of nowhere and had no one there.

After exploring the area a bit, hitting up an underwhelming orchid farm, we went back to our AC room, because Bangkok be hot. And along the way, Craig found the perfect-sized beer.

Later on we met up with Craig’s high school friend and his wife. They took us to an amazing restaurant with an equally amazing view. And then we ate our body weight in food.

Another night, we met up with our new friend, Lauren. We met Lauren at our yoga retreat in Nepal last December. You remember the one? The place where we became yoga-retreat dropouts….

Lauren currently lives in Bangkok, but will soon be moving to New Zealand. Small world. We met up with her at Cabbages and Condoms. A restaurant dedicated to safe sex. They even give you a condom with your bill, which we totally left…because we’re married. The kids need it more than us. Free condoms aside, they also have lots of condom art. Even the light shades are covered in condoms.

It has been great meeting up with friends during this past year of travels. It makes you feel a bit at home when you are far, far from home. So thanks, friends.

Our third full day, we decided to suck it up and hit up the tourist trap that is The Royal Palace. We figured since it was a Monday, it would be less crowded. Well, we figured wrong. It was a shit show. And we’ve been to the Taj Mahal. I’m convinced we picked the exact same time all the massive tour buses showed up. So as the sun beat down on us while we waited in line, I wanted to beat down all the people swinging their sunbrellas in my face.

Once we finally arrived to the front entrance, we (among loads of others) were turned away due to dress code violations. And by we, I mean Craig. This girl knows how to keep it classy. Craig was slutting it up with his shorts. So what did we do? We walked directly across the street, with everyone else, and bought a pair of pants that is pretty much the uniform of tourists in Thailand.

Take two at the entrance. And just like that, we’re in. We didn’t stay long though. The crowds, the selfie sticks, the damn sunbrellas. We just couldn’t take it. So we snapped a few pics and got the fuck out.

We ventured over to another tourist attraction a mere 5-minute walk away, Wat Pho, aka the Reclining Buddha.

And you know what? It was pho-king awesome. Way less people. Plus, it was massive. It’s so much more than just the giant buddha.

I could’ve stayed there all day. So many secret, quiet spots.

So if you ever find yourself in Bangkok, skip The Royal Palace and just go to Wat Pho. You won’t regret it. Unless you love crowds and getting poked in the eye with selfie sticks. Which if you do, I’m totally unfriending you.

After two temples, we were done. The heat. Oh, sweet Jesus, the heat. We found a cute cafe right around the corner with some mediocre ceiling fans. But the cafe did manage to create some cooling devices of their own. A metal bowl filled with ice to be placed anywhere on your body. How crafty! Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart.

After refreshing bowls of ice, we sought refreshing glasses of alcohol. Here’s a fun Thai fact, a lot of restaurants don’t serve alcohol between the hours of 2-5pm. What’s that? Yes, you can’t buy booze during those witchin’ hours. Blame the King. But you can find places that are badass rule-breakers and sell it anyways. Which we did.

We also hit up a rooftop bar. It wasn’t the exact one we wanted since when we arrived we were greeted with a “sorry, we have a dress code”

And since we are classless mofos and were wearing flip-flops, we weren’t allowed up to the Cru Champagne Bar. But, we were allowed one level below to the bar with no rules, which let’s face it, is way better. Plus, they had a happy hour. Which makes these flip-flop wearing fools very happy.

We drank in the wine and views…

Our time in Bangkok ended rather quickly, but we had other things on our mind. Like beaches. So we hopped in a cab with a driver that plucked out his hair using two coins (yes, that happened) and headed to the airport to catch our flight south to Krabi.

We spent one night in Krabi before hopping on a ferry to take us to heaven, an island by the name of Koh Lanta. You can have Phuket with its young and wild backpackers. Koh Lanta is paradise for 30-somethings…or anyone that enjoys one part snoozy and one part boozy.

We split up our 9-night stay between 2 spots on the island. Our first stay was at a mini apartment on the ever-popular Long Beach. Our place had gorgeous views of the ocean and was off the main road. It was perfect.

We even had visitors.

We spent our days walking the beach, eating at yummy beachside restaurants…life was rough.

One day, we did a tour out to the Phi Phi Islands. Phi Phi is pronounced like “I have to go phi phi in the potty.” Let’s just say my inner 10-year-old self giggled.

We boarded a speed boat that was pretty packed with other tourists, but was small enough to not feel overwhelming. Want to feel overwhelmed? Head to Maya Beach. Everyone and their mother goes there thanks to my middle-school crush, Leonardo Dicaprio, and the movie The Beach.

We arrived quite early, or so I thought, but there were so many damn boats and so many girls pretending they were being photographed for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. No joke, I saw a girl change her suit to take another pic. And continued to ask her friend to take a million pics of her from different angles. I think she will soon be looking for a new BFF.

We snapped a sexy selfie of us though.

From Maya Beach we headed to a snorkeling spot, away from people. I’d rather be with the fishes than with girls doing fish lips for the camera. After snorkeling for 45 minutes, we got back on the boat and headed to Bamboo Island. This National Park is less crowded than Maya (probably because there’s a fee to drop anchor and access the beach) and just as pretty.

We chilled on this tiny semi-tranquil island for over an hour, had lunch and then made our way to the cluster of the main town on the Phi Phi Islands. It’s where all the people go since it’s the main ferry terminal. We got off, walked a bit, turned around and found the nearest bar until we had to get back on the boat.

Overall the day was fun. But I’m happy we weren’t staying on the Phi Phi Islands. It’s just too many people for my grinch, stank-eyed self.

From Long Beach we moved all the way to the southern tip of Koh Lanta. We decided to splurge a bit and go for a beachfront villa at Anda Lanta Resort which is located on Khlong Chak Beach. This beach was amazing. There are only a few other small bungalow-type accommodations on the beach and only a handful of places to eat. It was so peaceful, but definitely not for everyone. If you’re looking for a party or nightlife, look somewhere else.

We had three nights on this dream beach and didn’t do all that much. We did take advantage of the free kayaks our resort had.

We kayaked to a neighboring beach and that’s where Craig tried to kill me. You’re hearing it here first. My husband tried to off me. The scene of the crime was when we were trying to get onto the neighboring beach. Craig forgot that you shouldn’t paddle and ride a huge wave in. All I remember hearing was “we’re going to flip.” The kayak must love me because it bashed me on the back and head, making me lose my sunglasses. I spent the rest of the day convinced I was going to pull a Natasha Richardson and die of a head injury.

The below pic was taken after the attempted murder. Notice my slight grimace. Notice my man sunglasses that I stole from Craig since I lost mine to the sea. Notice my husband smiling behind me like nothing happened.

 

Other than that brush with death, we didn’t do much. We caught some great sunsets.

Ate probably the best (and cheapest) curry, beachside. At a place that had no customers.

We creepily watched little kids trying to fish. The middle one totally did nothing to help. Slacker.

When our 9 nights on the island were over (insert ugly cry face here), we took a ferry back to Krabi. Stayed a night, then boarded a flight up north to Chiang Mai.

We had big plans up north. Elephant big. But that’s going to be a separate post because they deserve it.

But before elephant time, we had a few nights to explore Chiang Mai. We checked out some cool temples that all seemed to be located right in the city center. How convenient.

First wat stop, Wat Chedi Luang Worawihan. It was pretty rad. Even if they had a male-only temple that I couldn’t go into. Period. No, really. It’s because woman have periods and ruin fucking everything. Read for yourself.

Craig did inform me that it was really cool inside. Thanks.

The rest of the grounds I could explore, with or without Aunt Flow. And they were quite nice. Who needs an all-male temple anyways?

After we were wat-ed out, we ventured outside the city walls to a great gallery Craig happened to find. Wattana Gallery is nestled within a tiny neighborhood. If you weren’t looking for it, you’d probably never find it. It features the art work of Wattana, a local, who has lived all around the world and works out of his home that is connected to the gallery.

He simply asks for donations to view his work that is housed within two stories. If I was in the market for real, grown-up art, I would buy a piece of his work in a second. But sadly, we are more bargain-art type of peeps. You know the kind? The kind that goes to a night market and tries to haggle over 50 cents.

We had a great few days in Chiang Buy, I mean, Chiang Mai. But it was time to head north (again) to the real reason we came up this way…Elephant Nature Park. Stay tuned for a full post about our 7-day volunteer experience at this sanctuary, complete with loads of picks and learning that riding an elephant is a total dick move.