I haven’t blogged in ages. Bad blogger, bad. Yes, we have a new home which is totes exciting. And I promise I’ll write a post about it where I get all Martha Stewart on ya and give a home tour. But the truth is, I’m a new mom. And I’m like supes busy because my children are straight up animals. No really, they’re chickens. And let me tell ya, being a Mother Hen is mothercluckin’ work.

Never did I ever think I would be writing a blog post about my undying love for my chickens. But, then again, Trump is President. So anything is possible in this crazy world of ours.

Ok, back to flock talk. We adopted/inherited five chickens when we moved into our new home. At first I sensed a little bit of flock block. I mean, I get it. We were the new parents. But come day two, they realized that I loved visiting them five times a day and then they totally fell in love with me.

Raising chicken children is something. I scoop the poop from the coop (try sayin’ that 10 times fast) because they shit ALL the time. I make sure they are eating their oyster grit so they have enough calcium in their diet. I try to get them out of awk situations like getting stuck behind a fence. I put them to bed every night (because I’m a freak). I take a million videos and pics a day of them foraging, standing, running, etc. like a proud parent. See?

So what are their names? Glad ya asked. We spent weeks brainstorming their names. So. Many. Chicken. Puns. We had lots of great dude names (Cluck Norris, Shell Gibson, Benedict Cumberhatch), but let’s face it, these chicks are chicks. Ok, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…allow me to introduce our chicken children: Hennifer Lopez, Party Fowl, Victoria Peckham, Dame Judi Hench, and Yolko Ono.

I’m slowly learning that chickens are weird. But rad. I’ve googled more chicken-related questions in the past weeks than I have in my entire life. And learned a bunch. Wanna hear all about? Not really? I don’t care. It’s time to get egg-ucated.

First thing I learned? Chickens can lay soft eggs (that you totes shouldn’t eat). Like this:

They can feel almost like a water balloon. What on earth is happening? Well, soft eggs happen for many reasons. But the number one is lack of calcium. Those chickens use a shit-ton of calcium producing eggs every damn day. So, they need a lot of it. How do you make sure they get it? Well, you feed them their egg shells. Whaaat? Yes, it may seem very cannibalistic. But it’s true and it works. You dry out the shells in the oven.

Then put in a food processor and bam!

A calcium treat for the chickens. I just dump/mix into their normal feed and try not to think I about the fact that I fed them something that just came out of them.

I also learned that come winter, chickens can stop laying eggs. All of ours did. For a few weeks, we got zero eggs. Zilch. Nada. A chicken needs at least 14 hours of daylight to produce an egg. And in the middle of winter, we had like 9 hours. Some people will ‘fake the sun’ by installing a light in the coop. But we decided to give them a rest. How would you feel having your period every damn day? Mama needs a break.

And then just like that, they started laying again! We’re getting around 3 eggs a day.

It’s fascinating to see the size difference between the chickens’ eggs.

Another fun fact: you don’t need to refrigerate eggs because of that lovely bloom. What’s a bloom? It’s the protective coating that keeps bacteria out. All eggs have ’em. They can last on your counter for weeks. But the second you wash ’em? Bye bye bloom and you need to chuck that egg in the fridge. Stat.

Since we inherited everything, that also means we got a coop. It’s a perfectly decent coop with three nesting boxes. And yet they all wanna lay in the same box. Sometimes, they even sit on each other to get the job done. Or stand outside the coop squawking at the other chicken inside to get the cluck out. Girls, can’t we just be cool?

After three-ish months of having our own chicken, I can truly say it’s bomb. I love the fact that I can just walk up a hill and get a fresh, sometimes-even-warm egg. Plus, they are pretty fucking cute. Even if they aren’t the brightest.

So, what’s up next for our chicken children? We’re gonna build them a brand-new coop. That’s right, they’re movin’ on up. Bigger and better, baby. We’re gonna improve on some things from our current coop, like making the roosting bars a bit higher than nesting boxes, different flooring, etc. And then? More chickens. Our flock is gonna grow like a mofo. Get ready for this crazy chicken lady to post more pics/vids. Please feel free to block me on all social platforms. I won’t judge you. To your face.

But if you wanna follow a really rad chicken lady (who isn’t me), follow Drinking with Chickens. This woman is my spirit animal.